Author: snazzygrape

There are many things that cannot be accomplished in busy seasons, but intentionally slowing down is surprisingly hard.

I have so often said that I just want a break. But if I’m sideline by illness or circumstances, or confronted by my limitations, I grumble and fret; raring at the bit to feel productive or at the very least feel less guilty for not doing as much as I think is expected of me.

Slower seasons are incredibly important, though. Since I am not in a season of survival where it is paramount that I keep going, I can no longer ignore all the ways I am consistently being pointed towards an intentional slowing down in order to more fully heal, to really rest and experience the vastness that comes with a relationship with God.

I’m being invited to ask the hard questions, to examine wounds that have generational roots, and to address the constant anxiety that points to rampant maladaptive thinking, with humility knowing that I perpetuate some of these cycles.

I don’t want to do it. Change is hard in and of itself, let alone change that involves uncovering those things I’ve purposefully left alone because they’re too painful, complicated or unflattering. I had hoped ignoring it or doing some fancy spiritual bypassing would make it go away. Like, a more biblical version of “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”, I’d wooo-ooo-ooo my way to peace and contentment.

Well, it didn’t work.

This invitation to learn to trust and obey the God who allows suffering and sin to exist has been long-standing, and one that I hadn’t been ready to fully accept until now. Even now, I don’t feel ready.

God has been doing some amazing transformation in me over the past 8 years since I’ve returned to Him. Truly, I am different than I was. I have seen growth and healing in areas that I thought were just part of my personality.

Throughout those years, I frequently prayed for healing, physically and mentally. I’ve dealt with (and continue to deal with)awful unexplained physical symptoms, dark intrusive thoughts, despair, near-constant physical and mental anxiety, self-hatred, absolute exhaustion, feeling as if I’m losing my sanity, and feeling absolutely alone and misunderstood. So many things I have tried have not worked. I have been prayed over multiple times by multiple faith-filled folks. I tried just “having more faith”. I had mostly hoped God would just heal me since everything seems to fail.

One shiny, happy person coming right up. Poof! All better. Peace and contentment all day long.

But God hasn’t taken it all away.

I’ve realized that He’s actually been including me in a process of healing; a process that doesn’t dismiss or ignore my pain or doubts but lovingly addresses it, as well as the deep-seated sin that feeds the cycles.

I’m in a place to accept that invitation more intentionally now. It’s still difficult to commit to the process, though.

I have so many other things that I could be doing; good things, beneficial things, godly things even. There are so many ways I could numb out or distract with enjoyment rather than do this.

But I am so tired of existing the way I have been. I’m so tired of using activities and people and excuses to try to suppress all the things God wants to address.

I choose to decline responsibilities, distractions, and things that are not mine. I choose to trust God that those things will get taken care of in a way that better glorifies Him rather than me just trying to be in control. I choose to focus on the responsibilities and relationships that are mine in this season, even when it gets uncomfortable and it would feel easier to distract myself with other things.

If I want to end generational cycles, if I want to do good and not harm to my clients and the people around me, if I want to be able to be honest with others and myself, I think this is the next layer of the onion, so to speak.

If any of this resonates with you at all, I hope you pray about intentionally slowing down along with me to experience what it’s like to rest in Christ and truly give all of ourselves to Him.

Regardless of what the dark caverns of my heart and mind hold I know God’s love is at the bottom of it, and I’m looking forward to seeing how long and deep and wide it reaches.

Based on my past experiences and studies, even with constant struggles, I move forward with some hard-fought anchors of faith, however tentative they may seem at times.

I have been read that He is my light, my strength, my song, and that’s all I need for the journey.

Onward, to a time of rest and discomfort. Wait, is that a thing? It doesn’t seem fair, to get rest but be uncomfortable. God might make me address that messy relationship or that time I didn’t do the thing that I was supposed to, or all those things that I don’t have answers about, or… I’m not so sure about this, again.

Lord, thank you for holding us even when we’re caught between fear and faith. May faith win out.

“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.”

– J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

I’ve started plenty of things in my 36 years. So many things, I’ve lost count. I have also completed some of the things that I’ve started, in one way or another. I have also given up on many of the things that I began.

I am an optimist-in-training, with an emphasis on “in-training”. I am putting this page out with the caution borne of 3+ decades of failures and disappointments. I do have at least 1 year of experience in retraining my thoughts to embrace good things, which is why I’m finally moving forward in putting my writings out in a more accessible format to a larger audience.

Does the world really need another writer who views life from a Christian lens? Maybe not. But writing has long been my way of understanding life and encouraging others, so if someone benefits from this, it will have been a worthy attempt.

With excitement and trepidation, I’ll take the step and see where it goes.